Learning to Say No

When I entered undergrad, I was eighteen years old and on my own for the very first time. Since I didn’t have a lot of freedom growing up, this sudden shift to being able to decide everything for myself was a little daunting, to say the least.

I attended a conservative Christian school, so some things really were not even options. At least, not that I was aware of.  There wasn’t much underage drinking, for example, and no drug use that I knew of. There were a few people who smoked, but we were a non-smoking campus (thank you, California), so they would do so offsite and out of sight. We had rules about how often boys and girls could hang out and open-door policies and curfews which were supposed to protect us from bad choices and to keep us "pure". They worked.

In other words, there weren’t too many things I could get myself into unless I went looking for trouble. Which I did not, because I was a good girl.

However, there were a lot of other opportunities that came up, and I discovered quickly I had an incredibly hard time saying "no". Especially when it came to service opportunities. I had a full load of classes and a part-time job as well, and yet, I still found myself accepting a ton of additional responsibilities.

Eventually, I learned to set better boundaries for myself. While all of the above seemed good on the outside, it was wearing me down. I didn't have enough time to take care of myself, my own spiritual journey, or my own relationships. As I like to say, you can't pour from an empty cup, and my cup was bone dry.

As a side note, I do sometimes wonder if all of the serving in the past was me trying to "earn" God's favor. I never felt good enough growing up, and some of that rubbed off on my relationship with God. I felt the need to impress Him, not understanding that He already loves me, just as I am. All my doing wouldn't make Him love me more. And it prevented me, perhaps, from doing the things He actually wanted me to do.

Doing too much may also have prevented someone else from doing what they were called to do, because I was too busy doing it. I wonder if I robbed anyone of the ability to obey and be blessed. 

For my own well-being, I had to learn how to set boundaries. I had to learn to say “no”.

Over the years, though, I have wondered if I haven’t swung too far in the opposite direction. Do I now say no too often?

I’m not good at on-the-spot decisions, so when I get a request, directly or indirectly, I now take a day or a week even to consider. Because my very first impulse always is, of course I could do that. Even when I really can’t.

Our church needs a worship pastor. I could do that. But, wait, I have a mediocre voice and don't play any instruments.

The hospital needs emergency placement for a newborn with drug exposure. I could do that. But, wait, I'm not a licensed foster placement, I have nothing in my home for a baby, and I've been celebrating finally being able to sleep through the night.

And so on and so on. My immediate, knee jerk reaction to every need is to want to fill it. Whether it's realistic or not.

Giving myself time to consider has helped a lot in avoiding spontaneous and bad decisions. But it also sometimes means I forget about the need. Have I forgotten needs  I was supposed to fill?

There are things that are doable. Choosing a gift from the giving tree to purchase for a child in need? I could do that. Helping family out with an unexpected expense? That's a no-brainer. Serving this Sunday in Children's Ministry because most of the women are gone on retreat? Sure. Contributing to KLOVE's pledge drive? Why not?

There are some requests, though, that are harder. A friend who needs a place to crash and we have a spare room… but I am not comfortable sharing my space. A family I don't know who says they need rental assistance... but what if they're scamming me? The homeless person on the street... what if they use money to buy alcohol or drugs?  The mom who is strung out and needs a break... when I barely get a break myself.

I write my blog to help others live out their faith, which means I find myself frequently in self-reflection, wondering how I am living out mine. If I'm doing enough. If I am being a good steward of the resources and abilities and talents God has given me. If I have said "no" to too many things, or to things He actually wants me to do.

I pray for me, for you, for us - that God would give us clear guidance as to what is from Him among an ocean of requests that swarm us daily, and that we would have the wisdom and the strength to obey.

After all, we may be the miracle someone else is waiting for.